Not to make it all about me, but yesterday, whilst playing squash at the club, I twisted my ankle. I have twisted this ankle many times, starting in 1982, so it’s a familiar feeling and the immediate question that always comes to mind is, “How bad is this one going to be?” My sense on this occasion, as I examined the floorboards of Court 2 on my hands and knees, was that it wouldn’t be bad at all. I walked around a bit. I played a few more games. It was sore but not awful.

However, by the time I got home it had puffed up considerable, so I put it in a handy ankle compression unit, covered it with a bag of ice and lay on the couch where Tanja usually naps. After forty five minutes of this, I was incredibly uncomfortable.

“I think that’s probably enough,” I said.

“Seriously?” Tanja asked.

“I can give it another fifteen.”

“Minimum,” she said.

Time seemed to stand still. I struck me as unjust that I, who just hours ago was darting about the court like a gazelle, of sorts, would now be glued to this couch, my athletic career cut short, caught in the grip of what can only be described as discomfort.

As I had this thought, it also occurred to me that there might be a lesson in here somewhere. But the sensation in my ankle overpowered my ability to concentrate, so the epiphany was lost.

The collar countdown is at 15! That’s fifteen days, but still, we’re getting there. Tanja had OT today which is always a good thing because her therapist is so encouraging AND she massages Tanja’s long-suffering shoulders. Moreover, Tanja reports that these shoulders are feeling, overall, less painful.

“I don’t want to jinx it,” she added.

“I don’t think it works that way. Like you say something positive and then get punished.”

“Probably not.”

I mentioned before, I think, the immense feeling of gratitude that buoyed us up early on, inexplicably, when she was so immobile and so hurt. It’s mysterious but perhaps it was a sense, in the aftermath of surprising loss, of how very much we still had.

Then Tanja got so much better so quickly. We know how lucky that is. We know it. But when you’re working hard for something, there’s a little acquisitive edge–“I’ve got this back, but I haven’t got this. I can do this but I want to do that.” It’s not all bad, that impulse–it’s a component of being driven–but it works against gratitude a little bit.

Tonight though, somehow–still ready to work, still game to support Tanja in whatever comes up, still prepared for ups and downs–the gratitude is back in full. And it is very welcome.

Lots of love to you, whoever you may be 🙂