It has been a very long and challenging day for Tanja.

The highlight was probably going into town for an hour OT session–only her first outpatient session since the outpatient intake assessment, if those three words mean anything strung together like that.

Tanja really likes and enjoys the OT person. Her energy and attitude clearly lift Tanja and she came out of OT much lighter than she went in. It’s been 10 days since the assessment, so the therapist was able to see real change in Tanja’s movement, in range and in quality.

That is great for Tanja to hear because, obviously, she has trouble seeing that progress, as you might have trouble noticing your hair grow longer. But it’s happening. She is working hard at finding the balance between wanting to do more–which comes naturally to her–and needing to rest, which feels like failure no matter how often she reminds herself that rest is medicine.

A little impatience seems motivating. But it’s not like the injury responds to impatience. So that leads to frustration. Frustration is fatigue’s angry little brother–it throws a fit and fatigue comes running. And fatigue feels like failure. That is sort of the dynamic swirling in Tanja’s brain today, if I could guess.

From the outside, of course, she seems focused, she seems healthy, she is less tentative in her movements every day and her progress is really strong.

She’s not satisfied, of course.

She’s in there, like a captain alone on the bridge of her ship–one eye on the engine room, monitoring temperature, pressure, fuel levels, trying to find homeostasis, meanwhile charting a course, anticipating obstacles, trying to outrun the storm and see what this baby can do, without breaking down entirely.

As she was falling asleep tonight she said, “If you do write a blog tonight, just tell them I made it through a long hard day and I’m ready to do it again tomorrow.”

Much love to everyone tonight 🙂